So, I'm on the quest to find the love of my life. I really want to experience real love again. My problem is that I have REALLY bad taste in men. Like...Wow. Soo...I guess this blog is going to be an account, from the beginning, of my comically catastrophic, epic-fails of relationships. Hopefully, I'll be able to figure out where I'm going wrong (or you will) and I'll weed out the morons and find "The One."Everyone who knows me thinks that it all started with my son's father. It didn't...It started when I was about 4y.o. and saw my mom watching b-porn. It was two hot chicks making out and one lucky bastard sandwiched between. That set the tone for not only every screwed up relationship I've ever had, but also my own personal sexual identity crisis that is in serious need of a deus ex machina. Seriously. Like, what else was I supposed to think besides it was okay for people of the same sex---well no, i mean women--to have sex with each other and that it was perfectly acceptable for men to sleep with more than one woman and that they both had to be okay with it. Therapy, anyone?So now, I'm a way pre-pubescent little girl and going from a "proverbial" proverbial six to midnight every time I saw a pair of tits. I have 5 sisters and we were a very naked household. Not to mention we were home-schooled, secluded from the rest of the world and barely watched T.V. There was no healthy model of a successful relationship. My mother has seven children and every last one of us is the first born of a different man. As far as I knew, just based off of her actions alone, men were for money, breeding, and the occasional orgasm...in that order.Now, do I blame my mother for my failed relationships? Absolutely not. But would it have helped if my sex talk didn't essentially go like this:"Men just want to fuck you. If you don't let them, they'll rape you. Oh!-- and try not to get pregnant by a nigger." If that speech doesn't deserve a flipping Oscar or something...I really don't know what does. This was just the beginning.I never actually learned how babies were made until I saw Look Who's Talking. I saw the part of Carrie where she comes on her period in the shower and everyone started laughing at her...I still didn't know what a period was. I did however get clarification from that counselor that it wasn't going to kill me and someone should probably explain it to me. No one ever did. I thought I was freak for growing armpit and pubic hair and I often snuck off with a pair of scissors to snip away the evidence.I didn't even think of men in a sexual manner until N-Sync and I saw Justin Timberlake...and then Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter. I didn't know the mechanics of how the situation was supposed to go down, but I knew it was hot. At the same time, all I knew was that Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were waiting for me to learn some dirty things and showcase on their bodies. I was a misinformed, horny freaking kid.I found out I was beautiful when my mother's boyfriend tried to convince her to move to Jordan and marry him...all the while secretly arranging marriages for her children. And then I started to realize why all of her boyfriends were supposed to come in the house with gifts for her children and weren't allowed to look us in the eye...Beautiful commanded a respect that others did not.Unfortunately...I started to grow out of my beauty...or my lips did. Yes, another thing I learned...beauty was only skin deep. Once her beautiful Indian daughter started to develop these bigger "African-American" lips, she wasn't as beautiful. I can't even remember how many times a fist, an open palm, a book slammed into my lips as she shouted out for me to suck them in. They're too big. Too ugly. And I believed this too be true. Deep down I still kind of do. But one day, when I was still a little girl, a guy told me my lips were beautiful. Perfect, actually for what he wanted me to do with them. Ew, I know, right? That's how I felt that first time. Especially when she was still telling me how ugly they were. But how many times do you think a naive, impressionable girl will hear how perfect her lips are for sucking cock...and that's it...before she realizes that women with bigger lips are supposed to do just that?Are we noticing what a sponge I am yet? And not in the smart, kid-genius way (though I was borderline) but in the Spongebob Squarepants way. Well, later we can dive deeper...I'm sure you're reading this and thinking...Are you serious? I am. Until next time.
Love Tyler
